Content warning. May contain spoilers.

illness

excerpts from a novel project by Jule Heyen

A collection of moments between two characters.

1

Just like a melody that lingers on

You seem to haunt me night and day

‘No, the other way!’

I tried turning the other way, but in doing so forgot to switch my feet and stumbled, barely catching myself on the desk. I could hear Lucy giggle behind me and turned around to glare at her.

‘See? I told you it was hopeless.’

After Lucy had dragged me up to the attic and plugged in my father’s radio, she had tried to teach me the steps to a waltz. I, however, still hadn’t seemed to gain any talent for it since my last sad attempts at dance classes.

‘Nothing is hopeless. Look, like this!’ Lucy, once again, demonstrated the steps. One step back, then one to the right, close the legs. One to the front, to the left, and closing them again.

I sighed and got in position again. Looking at Lucy on my right, I could mimic what she was doing. But as soon as she stopped to watch me, I got lost again, mixing up the steps. Frustrated, I stepped back and sat down on the old couch. A cloud of dust sprang up in the air when I did, and I angrily waved my hand in front of my face to make it dissipate. Lucy stopped to kneel in front of me.

‘Hey, don’t give up. We’ve only just started.’

‘Yeah, and I can’t even manage to remember the simplest steps. It looks so easy when you do it.’

‘It’s just practice. As soon as you understand the steps, it’ll be easy for you as well. Unless you give up now, of course.’ Lucy got up, putting her hands on her waist and studying me with a slight frown. I tried not to focus on the way it made her nose crease, and the flutter that caused in my stomach. Instead, I wiped the sweat off my face and looked to the side, avoiding her eyes. After a moment of silence, Lucy stepped back towards the desk with the radio on it. I watched her as she switched the dial back and forth, apparently with a specific frequency in mind. She made a cute little squealing noise as soon as she found it, turning around with a bright smile and stepping back towards me.

‘Alright, get up. I have an idea.’ She grabbed my arms and pulled me up off the sofa, then positioned me in the centre of the room and offered me her hands.

‘We’ll learn it together. That’s much easier anyway, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.’

‘What?’

‘I’ll dance the man’s part. Then you have a partner to lead. No need to remember which direction to go, that’s my job. Also, everything’s easier with music.’ She smiled at me and gestured for me to take her hands.

‘Lucy-’

‘Come on, just give it a try!’ She gave up on gesturing and just grabbed my hands. ‘This one,’ she took my right hand into hers, ‘is laid down on top of my left hand. The other one,’ – she took my left hand and placed it on her shoulder, ‘stays here.’

As her curls fell onto my hand, I was suddenly uncomfortably aware of how close we were. Then, as if sensing my feelings, she stepped even closer, gently setting her right hand on my waist, and I closed my eyes.

‘Relax,’ she whispered, her breath warm on my face, ‘You only need to follow what I’m doing.’

When I opened my eyes again, she was looking directly at me, only a few centimetres separating us. Her dark eyes were full of warmth and something else, something I couldn’t – or didn’t dare to – name. I slowly started shaking my head.

‘Just give it a try.’ She tried convincing me once again, just as another song started.

I took a breath, before I finally nodded. Lucy’s smile got wider and she paused, listening to the song.

‘Okay, five, six, seven, eight.’ Then she took a step forward with her right leg, nudging my left leg back. I tried to remember the steps.

As if sensing my troubles, she began narrating. ‘Step to the side, close the legs. To the front, side, together. Again: back, side, together. Front, side, together.’

And slowly, oh so slowly, the steps began to sink in. She had been right – it was a lot easier to remember where to go with a partner leading me. She effortlessly mirrored my steps, nudging me in the right direction. The less I had to concentrate on stepping in the right direction at the right time, the more I could actually hear the music. And before I knew it, the song ended. I was almost sad when Lucy took a step back.

‘See, you can dance. You only had to try.’ Her smile was addictive.

‘That could have been worse, at least.’ I conceded.

‘I knew it, you had fun!’ She bumped her shoulder into mine. ‘Don’t try to hide it. I’ll make a dancer out of you yet.’

‘Well, maybe not a dancer,’ I started, before she once again bumped her shoulder into mine. ‘But maybe a casual enjoyer.’ I grinned at her, as a new song started.

Gathering my courage, I offered her my hand.

‘Would you give me this dance, milady?’

Giggling, she accepted my hand.

‘It would be an honour.’

2

I never realized till you had gone

How much I cared about you

I was lying on my bed trying and failing to focus on my book when I heard the music. Immediately, my eyes filled with tears. It was coming from my father’s study. The same song Lucy and I had danced to just last week. And now? Now she was gone.

‘What are you doing?’

I startled, so engrossed in my book I hadn’t heard Lucy enter my room.

‘Reading.’

‘No, I can see that. I mean, what are you doing here? It’s time for your weekly dance lesson.’

‘I wasn’t aware that was a weekly occurrence now.’

‘Of course it is, silly. How else would you learn? Practice makes perfect and all that.’

I groaned. ‘You’re really going to make me do this every week?’

‘Every week.’ She grinned. ‘Come on, don’t pretend you didn’t also have fun.’

I turned towards her and sighed.

‘Alright, this one time.’

‘Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.’

Before I knew it, our spontaneous attic dance lessons had indeed become weekly occurrences. Lucy would come to my room and pull me up to the attic. Then she’d go back to get the radio, before searching for a channel that played dance music all night long. And, despite doing my best to pretend otherwise, I was having fun. It felt almost illegal what we were doing, as many things with Lucy did. But, for the first time in my life, I didn’t mind breaking the rules. It was exhilarating, doing something prohibited. And I would break every law, if it meant Lucy would smile at me like she did when we were alone.

‘Ow!’

‘You should know by now that I can’t dance.’

‘Okay, but could you be just a little bit more careful?’ Despite her chiding words, Lucy was laughing.

‘I’m not sure I can. I have no idea what I’m doing.’

‘You must have had a terrible teacher.’

‘Oh no, she was great. Very patient. I’m just a lost case in regards to dancing.’

She laughed and pulled me closer again. She was trying to teach me turns, and I was, predictably, awful at remembering which way to turn. Her catching me with her hand firm on my waist if I stumbled – and the way that made my brain malfunction – wasn’t helping me progress either.

‘Step back, to the side, together. Front, to the side, together. Now, turn to the right and step back.’

I managed to complete one turn without stumbling and placed my hand on her shoulder again, giving her a wide grin as we fell back into the base step. She smiled back at me.

‘See, you got it. It’s not that hard, is it? Again, to the side, feet together. And turn to the right.’

This time, I almost made it, before my foot got stuck in the carpet we had put down to muffle our steps. Before I could fall, Lucy caught me once again. This time, however, she didn’t let go or step away. Instead she pulled me even closer, pressing our chests together. My breath caught in my chest.

‘I’m almost starting to think you’re doing this on purpose.’

‘I just can’t help falling for you.’ She giggled at that, pressing her face into my neck.

‘Shut up.’ But I could feel her smile on my neck. Her breath was ghosting over my check as she moved to look at me. When she kissed me, my eyes fluttered closed and our lesson was forgotten.

I turned around and buried my head in my pillow. I didn’t want to think about Lucy, but I seemed to barely do anything else these days. It had been two weeks since she left and I was missing her every second of every day. My nights, if I managed to get at least a few hours of sleep, were haunted by dreams of her. Nightmares, replaying the fight we had and the cold, empty feeling of watching her leave. Even worse were the seemingly happy ones, of all the secret moments we shared. They left me aching for her, my whole body hurting for something I couldn’t have. Something I threw away. I pressed my eyes together, hoping to forget, but all I saw in the darkness was her face as she was leaving.

I can’t live without you

3

All alone

I’m so all alone

It was mesmerising to watch. She stood tall on stage, still as she sang the first notes. I barely registered the song, barely understood the words. My eyes were fixed on her. Lucy. The pink sequins reflected the stage lights and drew patterns of light onto her skin. The movement of her chest with every breath switched up the pattern. As she switched to the chorus, she started to move. With a cocky smile, she switched the leg that was stretched out, then drew a circle onto the floor with her foot. Even from the back of the room where I was standing, I could see the sequins of her dress getting stuck in her stockings, but she either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Her arms drew hypnotic patterns through the air, her body following as if some invisible thread was pulling her forward. She was glowing. Tall and beautiful and an electric mix of shy and charming that pulled me in like a moth to the flame. She’d always said she was the born performer, meant to be on stage. She’d always known and now she’d reached her dream. You could almost feel her commanding the entire room with her presence. She was happy like this: Her eyes seemed brighter; her smile more honest. This was where she was meant to be.

There is no one else but you

All alone

I was suddenly reminded of all the times I saw her dancing through the garden; spinning, jumping, dancing to music only she could hear. Late at night with a scarf wrapped around her shoulders or in the bright midday sun on grass by the lake. She was always so carefree with her joy, always showing it, always sharing it. As I kept watching her, two things became increasingly clear. This dazzling life was hers to live. And there was no space for me anymore.

I’m all alone every evening

All alone feeling blue

4

Just for a moment you were mine, and then

You seemed to vanish like a dream

‘Would you give me this dance, Milady?’

I startled, hearing Lucy’s voice behind me all of a sudden. I took a breath and turned around.

‘I’m honoured you’d want to, but I’m afraid I’m not much of a dancer. I’ll spend more time stepping on your toes than around them.’ I was immediately annoyed by my own formality. This was Lucy. Even after everything, no matter how different she seemed. I still knew her. I should still know her.

‘That’s okay, I’m quite fearless in that regard.’ She smiled at me and once again offered her hand. ‘It all depends on who’s leading anyway, just follow me.’

I hesitated. Lucy, of course, didn’t relent.

‘What are you still afraid of? This isn’t your little village. No one knows you. No one cares.’ The last words came with a kindness that I was unused to hearing from Lucy. She was always all bite, full of scathing sarcastic comments and bitter remarks. But when I looked into her eyes, I saw her. My Lucy. Then and there I decided, that I was done with hiding, done with blending in, done with being afraid of who I was. When I smiled at her, she grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor.

With the other couples surrounding us, it was as if we were in our own world, completely hidden away. Everything else seems to fall into the background. The music became a distant rush in my ears, the bright lights blending together as a backdrop for Lucy and the smile she gave me. All my senses seemed to focus on was her: where our skin touched, her smile, the sparkle in her eyes. In that moment, I felt like I was finally in the right spot. This was where I was meant to be. With her. Everything else wasn’t important.

I knew then and there it would be a bad idea to get lost in the fantasy of normalcy. The idea that we could actually be together, in public, dancing. It was too tempting to give up and therefore so, so dangerous. I could get used to it. I would get used to it. And it would be unbearable to step back into the shadows, to go back into hiding. But Lucy? She never saw it this way. She was always in favour of living your life to the fullest, whenever and wherever you got the chance to.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Her voice pulled me put of my thoughts. I glanced up at her. We were basically the same height, but with her heels she was a few centimetres taller.

‘Nothing, really.’ My usual response, still, after all these years. I didn’t think for a second that she’d believe me.

‘Nothing, huh?’ She laughed. ‘I can basically feel you worrying. It really is fine.’

‘I know. It’s just…’ I hesitated. ‘I’ll get used to it. To this.’ To you with me. ‘I don’t want to hide again.’

I wonder where you are

And how you are

And if you are all

Alone too

5

I long to hold you in my arms again

My life is very lonely

For I want you only

‘I want to go dancing.’

I looked up from the book I was reading to glance at Lucy, lying in her bed. I’d spent the day here with her, trying to keep her company. She wasn’t taking her sudden lack of freedom very well.

‘You shouldn-’

‘Yeah, I know. I shouldn’t go out. I’m just…’ She huffed. ‘I’m just really, really bored.’ She paused for a second, then continued. ‘It’s not fair to complain, I know. Not your fault. But I’m getting so tired of sitting around all day.’

I put my book down, and took a second to consider. ‘Let’s dance, then’. I said, coming to a decision. I got up from the chair and reaching my hand out to help her up.

‘What?’

‘Dancing? That thing you love?’

‘No, I know what dan- shut up.’ She frowned when she saw my grin. ‘You said I shouldn’t go out. And you’re not exactly a rule breaker, are you?’

‘We don’t need to go out to dance.’ I turned to the radio on the dresser and started looking for a channel. ‘A bit of movement would do you well, I think.’

‘You think?’ She still sounded hesitant, but she was slowly starting to get off the bed.

‘Your spirit, if nothing else.’ I found a channel and turned to grin at her. ‘And my nerves. If I have to sit here listening to you mope for another day, I will go mad.’

‘Hey!’ But I saw her trying to hide a small smile.

We were swaying mostly in place due to the limited floor space of her room. She had her head on my shoulder, bending her neck in weird ways, and her eyes closed. In that moment, I knew, just as all the times we were dancing, that it couldn’t last. That it wouldn’t last. She tired quickly, these last tough weeks, and I knew it would get worse still. But I also knew that, if she let me, I would spend every last moment right here. Dancing. With her.

I wonder where you are (remember me)

And how you are (remember me)

And if you are (I love you) all

Alone (I love you) too

Lyrics from All Alone by Irving Berlin, sung by Doris Day.